i'm so angry and i don't know why and everyone is getting on my nerves and i feel suffocated and empty. she is always on my mind but always stays away. everything i want i can't have. it isn't fair and it feels like something is wrong with me or like i'm broken. i want to scream... i can feel my blood tensing in my hands and i am so rigid and angry and fractured and cold. so many voices that i hear, telling me what to do. i wish the voices in my head were the ordinary kinds of voices. i hear whispers of death in the air. all i really wanted was someone. you couldn't even give that to me...
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is it nobler
in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them to die to sleep no more and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to to die to sleep to sleep perchance to dream for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause i'm honestly so mad that my mom chose to marry him of all people. how does someone pick such a vile creepy disgusting man to be their husband, and also to rule an entire kingdom. my mom is a queen with an undeserved sloppy king. so soon.. its not fair, he twists her mind and makes her think something is wrong with me even though its obvious he is the messed up one. he makes me sick. i don't know why she loves him.
if i could build an escape from this misunderstood world i would. i would if i could. i can handle the glances and stares and the words. i try to combat it with music and voices but the more i create the more i destroy. am i the one causing all of these problems? is it all my fault? i feel worthless and destructive and ugly, but i cannot cry. i am stony and silent and angry. simmering, at the brink of explosion, but outside smooth and calm. i don't know what to do. i am trapped. i am trapped within myself and the words i created to save me and help me have vanished, becoming my captors. am i a lunatic or a lover or anything at all...?
if i could sing you songs tonight
i know i'd be alright but you don't want me anymore and i am well-adjusted to playing games and singing songs to girls who fuck my mind up but never getting closer to getting you to love me i say your name just like a sigh a simple 'oh' and then i sink i close my eyes i see you there behind closed doors can't help but stare your beauty lies in secret shadows a beating heart will you allow it they said they saw my father. and i didn't believe them. but then i saw for myself. now my life is a mess and im dreaming of simpler times. there is nowhere to go and no one to trust and i withdraw into myself deeper. i am paranoid. who is lying and who is telling secrets... is there anywhere i can go where i can be free of this misery
all my life, spent in agony and dreariness and grey i am made of gloom but only i can save the day i can choose to kill or he will live again happiness in matter but the truth has come at hand not i who is a killer but a savior among men i am put to the test and i must sound the horn regain my honor no longer forlorn o god, god
how weary stale flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world it's an unweeded garden that grows to seed things rank and gross in nature posses it merely all i can think of is you. nights spent together in secret. a forbidden love. i dont want to dream anymore i just want to be free. i am feeling things i havent felt before. i cant tell if it is a good or bad thing, but i feel powerful. something is coming. let me kiss your fingertips one more time. i know you always listen when he tells you what to do, even though i sing your name and pull you closer. sleep with me for one more night. i keep writing scraps of poems and songs but i cant find the time to finish them. my mind is moving so fast and in new directions. something is off. im sorry. i always feel sorry.
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